October 30, 2013

Dear You

Hi there! Someone told me that you’re the one who’s meant for me. I don’t know who you are yet or how we’ll meet, but I wanted to write this little thank you which–if you knew me–probably won’t be little at all. Forgive me, though. I have been waiting for you for so long. Too long, really.

So, where to begin. Well. My name is Paolo. You can call me Pao. And I am heartbroken. As I write this, the lady that I love has just cheated on me yet again. Although, to be honest, I really never thought she loved me. I think, in some sad way, she just needed me and I–conveniently–needed her.
I’ve been lonely all my life, you see. When I was growing up, my parents fought a lot. So my little brother and I had to stick together. That kind of ended when he entered high school, and I was left to myself. I am embarrassed to admit that I got a bit desperate. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t worth much, that I was too… me… for anyone to love.
I know, I know, it’s crazy. But for me it felt like some deep truth that I just refused to accept. Would you believe that I actually reached a point where I haphazardly accepted that I was simply not good enough for anyone. Ironic, really, considering people always tell me that I was great enough for people. Those liars. (I kid.)
Anyway, so yeah. She’s cheating on me. I was sad about it last night–and several dozen more before that–today was different. I woke up with my friend’s words ringing in my head: “You’ll someday find someone who’s meant for you.” I hate those. And yet, here I am. Thinking about and writing about you.
I wonder what you’re like? I wonder how we’ll meet? I wonder how I’ll know it’s you? I am excited, for sure, but also nervous… what if I pass you up? What if I miss you in the course of my hectic life? I know, I know, I have to just trust God completely. (Hey, I’m a work in progress, ok?)
You see, the funny thing is, even if I haven’t met you yet, I owe you a great deal of gratitude. The thought of meeting you someday makes all these little trip-ups and heartaches worth it. Yes, I said worth it. You see, the way I see it, all these pains are preparation for you. God is hammering out my personality and character just so I’ll be exactly the kind of man that you need me to be.
It hurts. Quite a lot. And God and I have had words about it so many times to count. I believe it though. There was once a time–long ago–where I would have wanted you just for the sake of having you. Do you understand the selfishness in that? How horribly wasted our meeting would be were my mindset like that!
Because of the hurts, you see, I have come to realize as early as now that you are a wonderful, amazing treasure. A gift from God that will turn away even my most manic, wildest expectations. When I meet you, I bet I will have forgotten in an instant all the crazy sadness and angry proclamations I am wont to exclaim when I feel this pain.
And you don’t have to be anyone or anything specific. I ask only that you help me grow in Faith and help me grow as a person. I ask only that we be good for each other, and truly care for each other. Every thing else? Well, let me put it this way: you will be extremely, wonderfully, amazingly beautiful to me.
You never need worry about how you look, how you dress, how you talk, because whatever you are, I will think you exceedingly beauteous and will spend my days reminding you and making you feel that in every way you can. With me, you can be as weird and quirky as you are and I will unabashedly accept them as part of what makes you the love of my life.
Just smile a lot. Smiles are my weakness.
As for me? Wow. At this point in my life, I have to admit, I am probably not ready for you. I am still growing in my Faith, have a crazy caboodle of flaws and shortcoming, and am not entirely sure that my intentions are as pure as they should be. In that sense, I have to thank God for delaying our meeting–I would not want to squander the blessing that you are just because I was unprepared.
Now, yes, am sure I won’t be totally perfect when we meet, and will still have my quirks and failings, but am praying that–at the very least–I value you, and love you as you deserve. So, I’m going to start by stopping my drinking for good and spend time becoming someone who will be a blessing to you too.
I want to take care of you all the days of my life. I want to love you through all the good times and even the bad. I want you to always know exactly how much you matter to me.
So, til we finally meet, I’ll get myself ready and keep on praying.
Whoever you are, wherever you may be, whatever you’re doing, God bless you and keep you, til He speeds your heart to mine.
Ever patient,